1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
