From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
