Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Randomize
