just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
