I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
