I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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