we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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