yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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