Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
