I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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