The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
