His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I deserve this hangover.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Randomize
