im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
