grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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