i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
