No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
