my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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