True but thats because hes a fetus.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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