i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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