dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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