Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Randomize
