I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
