just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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