I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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