the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
