He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
