Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
