Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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