I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
