Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
