i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
