please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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