The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
