I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
