She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
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