i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
