Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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