I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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