Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
