I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We are all done wearing pants today
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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