i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
