i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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