forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize
