I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Randomize
