I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Randomize
