she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize
