Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize