I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Randomize
