When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
