Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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