I just made out with a guy for $7.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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