I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
lets start a swedish sibling band together
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize
