my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
