Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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