I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
