He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
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