My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You took a bar mat shot.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
