all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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