A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
